Saving Grace

She dipped her mouth into the bitterness of the chocolate which somehow always lightened up her veins as she felt her sleepiness fading away. The way the bitterness cut her taste buds with the marshmallows almost ripening her sweet tooth, boy did she love her morning drinks. It was a sleepy Sunday morning, with hardly any people in her little diner; When a family entered, the dad talking on the phone with a young girl about his pinky dragging her lace shoes while the mother balanced her big purse and a little baby boy on the girdle of her hip.

Putting on her famous smile to welcome her guests she took their order, when the dad got up and went out talking on the phone, pacing steadily for what seemed to be a heated conversation. Not meaning to intrude, she averted her eyes and took the order while the mother gave her a peevish smile until she looked down at her hips and her smile faltered. 

"Nobody tells you about the hardships. Let me tell you, it's a tremendous, thankless, never ending task." 

Surprised at this customers outburst, she quickly fled the scene and after placing the order to the kitchen staff, she picked up her broom and starting tidying up the place. The mother's wounded and pitiful looks, made her skin crawl and was thankful for when the toddler started to brawl his eyes out to captivate his mother wavering attention. Taking advantage of this, she ran to the broom closet to get out her coat to cover up, in hopes that now her customer won't be looking at her, with her pitiful woes. She felt almost shameful, as if she had ugly scars to paint over on her body. At war with herself, she just somehow felt drained out and suddenly even her bitter drink wasn't enough to hold her up. She felt as if the only think keeping her from losing it was the only thing that wasn't even there in the world, just a figment of what she thought it would be.This was slowly killing her, knowing the uncertainty of this, the future judging preying eyes of her fellow humans; the fact that she had no male advocate in her life at the age of 45, if she would ever survive this, who would look after her? Closing her eyes she whispered to herself "Dammit, get your shit together." 

By the time she got out, the whole family had finished their food and had left a tip for her lacking service. Annoyed for this was clearly pity money, she angrily threw it in the donation jar. Her ego severely wounded.

"You gotta keep what you get honey, or you won't have any money to feed yourself let alone two mouths!" her boss gently reprimanded her, as he held out her 10 dollar tip.

She knew instantly he was right and swallowing  her ego, she clutched her tip in one hand, while the other hand carefully cupped her swollen stomach when she felt the first kick of its tiny legs. Suddenly, just for a moment, though fleeting, she felt happy, truly happy, and that maybe, just maybe this child will be her saving grace. 

Parents VS kids

1. Then:

You guys had no Internet, thanks to which you guys had the most memorable childhood memories and no 9gag or Tumblr eating up your time. 

Now:

We live, breathe, eat, speak, talk Internet. We're obviously more aware of things than our parents but when it comes to non virtual work- we fail. Miserably. 

2. Then: 

Your eating, sleeping habits were on point. You'd have a daily routine that you would followed which made you a much more disciplined than any other generation. 

Now: 

Lolol, what is sleep? Food- pizza, pizza, any cheese, oh and pizza. 

I'm sorry did I hear someone say 8:00 am? That's practically the middle of the night. 

3. Then: 

You guys were so scared of your parents especially your dad that you didn't have the guts to look them in the eyes because of which most don't have open conversations about what they actually want to do in life, and you guys live with "what ifs" and all your dreams which you couldn't complete cause you didn't have the nerve to do what you want or go against your parents wishes. 

Now: 

It's not changed much from then, but yes, we kids at least have to nerve to convey our dreams, if we run after them or not? Now that's circumstantial I think.  

4. Then

You guys seemed more self assured than this Gen Y for sure. 

Maybe it's because you don't have social networks to ruin your self image after seeing the other people lifestyles (pretentious even so). 

Now:

Self assurance is something of the myths cause you might self assure others but are lost when it comes down to oneself. Whether it's ones self image, body, social life, life goals. Everything is so damn scary and almost everyone has a complex which leads to self destruction. 

5. Then

The level of competition was negligible compared to present. I'm not saying there wasn't, obviously what's life without a little competition? 

Now: 

Life's a joke- you're in the 2nd most populated country and not that it's full of airheads, oh no, you're competing with sleep deprived, hard working, parents pressured kids. That's all. Not one- but about a million of such kids. Hey no pressure kiddo. 

6. 

You guys complain or boast (I'm confused which) about how your pocket money was 40-50 rupees and your parents never spent more than 300-400 rupees on your whole childhood. Or complain about how you guys didn't get new shoes or clothes like ever considering all were hand me downs from your siblings. What you guys don't realise is that you guys learnt the real value of money the hard way, and is something to be very very proud off. 

Now: 

Our Starbucks latte comes for 200-300 bucks. 500-1000 is cheap for us and we burn money like its nobody business. "Baap ka paisa." after all. 

7. Then:

Your school fees was like 10-12 rupees, and you guys never ever forget to remind us this. But please try to get that we kids are in a very very expensive generation. That costs of living are higher- your days are gone. It's a little unfair to compare your cost of livings with ours just cause of the massive change in economy. It's not our fault that the onions are as expensive as gold okay? 

Now: 

More expensive, better quality. Let's show off the brands of all that we're wearing in our hash tags so that people know I don't do cheap. Come on guys- I know we can we better than just brands and stupid labels. There life more than that- and we need to start learning the value of money, the sooner the better. Our "baap ka paisa" will run out sooner or later and then what? 

8. Then:

You guys did have people who drink, smoked or did drugs. But it was all under the covers. But a very less fraction. 

Now:

Having a social life = late night partying + drinking/smoking. 

Kids these days smoke like nobody's watching, do drugs to follow a new fad. Sometimes I feel that the peer pressure and the whole tension to do well knowing that there are probably 100 people better than you leading to such extreme measures. But drugs and smoking are inexcusable habits

9. Then: 

Due to lack of technology, you guys had the privilege to explore all the possibilities and try out new things. Anything you did was new.

Now: 

We're following fads to go vintage. If we have a eureka moment- just google it. 10 million people have already been there or spent that. It's more and more difficult to stand out. So we spend all our time trying to fit in. Originality is lost. Very few get to stand out which is a tremendous achievement! 

10. Then: 

Romance was something special and oh so chivalrous and filmy. From writing letters to stealing glances at the local park- romance those days were something different. 

Now: 

Lol, romance? You mean he/she liked my facebook/Instagram post. That's so romantic. Or she/he send me a text first- best day of my life. It's a virtual bubble we live in- and virtual romances and online dating is something I can't fathom. At all. I'm sure our romance stories will start something like this: "It's all began when she/he sent me a Instagram/Facebook request." 

But all it all- teenagers will be teenagers. This or past generations: there's some traits that we can't get rid off. From rebellion against parents to crushes, to pressure. We're all on the same page somehow. 

Serendipitous meetings?

As she sat, waiting for the bus; She could feel the trickle of sweat cascading down her neck. But at the same time the sudden temperature drop and a cold gush of wind chilled her to her very bones. Flabbergasted at the ever changing minds of the weather gods, she ran to a nearby cafe, in hopes of drying off. 

The cafe was crowed and the hustle of people annoyed her to the point that she decided to walked out in the stormy weather; which seemed like the grey scale of doom would wail out its misery anytime soon. Out of the corner of her eye- She finally found an empty bench which was canopied by an umbrella. Though the bench was occupied by an old man,she went on her way in hopes that she would have come company till the storm passed. Just as she got closer- she realised that the man was smoking a cigar and having a very sensitive throat to smoke, she thought of going someplace else when the rain started pelting on her back. She quickly jumped under the umbrella with a peevish smile on her face as she watched the startled look on his face. 

They sat in awkward silence as the smell of stale smoke hung in the air and the only light -was coming from the lit end of his cigar. "Weird weather, eh?" He asked, to which she just shrugged. Finally noticing her uneasiness, he put out his smoke and gave her an dry smile. Noticing his  relaxed posture, his aged wrinkled skin, his small beady eyes, she tried to read as to what kind of background he may be from, when suddenly he said, "I smoke to die."

Curious by the way he told me such a private so easily, she just shrugged and said,"Hey, no judgements. Do what you gotta do, but smoking is never the answer, nor will it ever be. There many other ways to be sad and pretend to want to die. But you know they say to each their own." 

He just smiled and lit another smoke. "Do you like the world?" 

"Yes...no...well most of the times" she flustered. 

"Why? What's to like- good people die, bad people die, strong people die, weak people die, chaos is hiding around every corner of our life, we can't wait to live but at the same time we die without living. Smokers die, non smokers die. Everyone just have a different amount of time allotted. That's it." he said. 

The despair and the morbidly of the truth behind his statement made her skin tingle . She couldn't figure out if it was out of astonishment or if she just was uncomfortable with the thought of having such a morbid topic as a 'small talk'. His piercing eyes stared curiously into hers while his words sunk in. 

"Listen here mister, you might think you have nothing to live for, and this whole "world is an evil hell and we're all just waiting to die" is not the way to go about. I agree, we're all on a time limit and there chaos and imbalance everywhere. But that's the thing, that's where the true essence of living truly lies. Waking up, taking shit from people, finding happiness with your loved ones, feeding yourself, taking care when everyone is trying to take you down, stumbling across problems at very moment and waking up and repeating everything. That's the guts, and courage we all need. The moment we run out of that courage portion, our time ends too." 

Seemingly startled at the girl's outburst he asked, "Why is there so much imbalance in every equation though? There is good and there is bad, there is calm and there is angry, there is supposedly a white and black area, but that's bull. We call know that it's all grey, no white, no black. So if there is a god, why is he so unfair? And who made him the leader of what we are granted and what we are not, what lies in our fate? Everything is twisted in ways I refuse to fathom. Explain me this whole equation of this God?"

The ends of her lips curved upwards and she said, "Imbalance is the very existence of balance, like bad is of good. Everything is intertwined in a network that is out of reaches of us mere humans. The faster you accept that- the happier you'll be and the faster you'll leave the world peacefully. The worlds full of misery- we hardly need you to add on, so try to keep you head above water. And keep swimming."

The old man's wrinkles suddenly seemed to disappear as he tried to inhale the depth of her words as silenced enveloped them. 

As they parted ways, she quietly quoted her favorite author, "The world is not a wish-granting factory my friend." To which he gave a sad smiled and they quietly slipped into the shadows, probably stained forever with insight they've never asked for but unknowingly it's marked them. For good or bad? We'll never know. 

At this moment.

At this moment someone is brushing their teeth to go to bed, while somewhere the suns rises in the horizon, making people brush their teeth for the exact opposite reason. Someone is falling asleep to the soothing melodies of a lullaby, at the same time somewhere some one's waking up to the shrill screeches of the rooster  waking them up. Somewhere people are fighting over silly reasons, breaking relations while somewhere, some kids share their P&B sandwich on their first day of school, with all their little awkward cuteness marking their soon to last; long lasting friendships.

At this moment, some painfully hang onto their last breaths while some take their first breaths from their mother wombs. Some cry and grieve at the loss of loved ones while some cry and celebrate of a new life on this planet. Some take their first steps as an individual while some lose their legs over tragic accidents. Some say their first words while their loved ones celebrate on the other hand, some say their last words while their loved ones grieve. 

At this moment- someone is falling in love with some one's eyes while someone else is falling out of those same eyes he fell in love with. Some people are saying their "I do!" to tie their love in a legal binding While others are saying "I do" to break this very legal bond once made on love. While some people are making new friends others make enemies. Some are stepping out of the circle of life and risking their lives to fell a thrill of excitement while others live and die, all their lives contemplating on whether to step out and actually feel alive. While some gain something out of serendipitous situations while others lose all they've got in tragic situations. The sun rises somewhere in the horizon while in the same horizon on the other side of the world- the same horizon sets the very same sun. Isn't it funny? Thinking about all these precious, tragic, exhilarating, somewhat diabolical and beautiful at the same time painful moments that occur every passing moment. Just think about it! The possibilities are endless. 

To infinity and beyond, god darn my heads such a painful beautiful and wonderful place to live in! 

And this is such a sneak peak of what it's like. 

I see you

I see the way you haunch you back, slouching in a manner my mother would have a fit over, the bags under you eyes suggesting that your amber colored stones have seen more than they should have, the half empty cup of caffeine your calloused fingers clutch; The lack of sleep evident even for the blacked orbs of a blind man.

The way your fingers twitch, the way your eyes keep looking at your phone, the crooked frown that mars your strong jawline, the way your eyebrows knit in frustration, the way your legs are tapping against the pathway, and your restless ways annoy the grandma sitting across you, evidently judging you, and probably raiding on this generation kids. The way your foreheads starts to form beads of sweat while at the same time you pull your pale blue sweater around you, your white as ghost skin flush a lush pink of embarrassment or excitement, your evident impatience catching every eye in the park. While the different hues of orange and red light up the sky, your eyes reflecting the colours, almost as if your skull have rubies in them. The tension palatable and the suspense of a phone call slowly killing you as your eyes wander to the skies, seemingly silently praying for something. 

Finally the snazzy ring tone of you phone literally shakes you up, while I watch you spring on your feet, the lack luster of days of insomnia vanishes and you walk to and fro, talking, and then suddenly throwing the phone down. My breath hitched and my heart pounded thinking of all the terrible scenarios that could have happened to you. 

I couldn't make out from your lips to lip sync your conversation, but I sure could hear the loud pounding of your heart, almost as if it wanted to be break free from your rib cage. I knew something big has happened. What? I don't know. 

But the way you threw you head back and astoundingly  laughed, with a little bounce in you walk, the twinkling gleam in your eyes, that crooked frown turned upside down with a blinding smile, and the way your lips screamed to the whole wide world. 

 "IT'S A GIRL!" 

I knew it didn't matter anymore. 

Intriguing alienation.

Do you ever just sometimes, for a moment, stop. Just stop for a second, and breathe. Just breathe, and take in your surroundings and just be still. Just be...aware. Or try to be aware of the things you're going to do, you did and wonder as to when and what is your destination. Just look at the clouds and wonder as to where they're heading. So just watch the flock of birds flying in the sky, wondering if they watch a new sunset and sunrise every day? If at this every moment, someone has just taken their first breath in this world, while someone takes their last? Someone's falling in love while someone's just breaking apart? Someone's happy. Someone's heartbroken, someone angry. Someone having their eureka moment while some spend sleepless nights studying a eureka moment?

So many moments, so many someone's, and all you can do is think about it. In that very moment, taking it all in, trying to process and calm your heart that's trying to rip off your chest, telling your brain to shut up, to stop thinking so much. While you're lungs are trying to take a deep breathes to keep you pushing forward. You've never been so claustrophobic, yet you've never felt more liberated? By literal terms to exist but at the same time not existing. To see everyone's faces blurred out, and just, just for a moment- you're alone and nobody around you matters. 

It's not a melancholic or ecstatic feeling. Nor is it exciting or depressing. But it's just something, that is crying to get noticed, and never been more aware of it. It's just there...

And all you want is to be in that moment and at the same time get out of it, experience it, at the same time forget all about it. Wondering if it's gonna mark you or you'll just go back to the way things are. Make or break you. 

It's a silence which is so quite it's almost deafening. Almost as if you've lost all your senses and feel as if you're not existing but at the same time you've never been more aware of your existence. Your throat clogs up, your lungs puffed up, your mind like scattered stars, trying to find an alignment. It just hangs in the air, almost as if you can touch it, taste it, feel it. All your senses on high alert and at the same time you feel numb. But it's a feeling that stays with you always. 

So, tell me. Have you ever been graced by this alienated yet somehow comforted experience? 

If you haven't, then this is just a peek into my world. 

You have have felt it, or want to, let me tell you, it's a pretty intriguing alienation, which I wouldn't trade for the world.

🎭

Rainy disposition ☔️

I watched as the rain drops splashed against the pavement, creating a complex pattern which was soon on the verge of being flooded. The clouds roared in annoyance, of being noticed by us mere humans to let us know that they're here, and it's that time of the season- monsoon. The grey clouds dimmed the once lit up sky, the kind of grey you see on dolphins, a nice soothing grey with borderline banality tendencies.

I observed the different reactions of people, the little kids almost racing to get out of their school buses, trying to escape the holds of their forever ready caging tendency of the parents, the teenagers some hiding from the rain, some romancing with their young love, some with war at themselves; contemplating to whether dance in the rain or save themselves a weeks worth of cold and cough. While the parents, frustrated with the weather, trying to control their kids, cursing the weather gods, while trying not to get any of the muck on their work pants, and preventing themselves from getting wet. While the old people, just sit and watch the rains from the windows, their legs a bit too worn out from old age for them to actually enjoy the monsoon, with a cup of steaming hot tea in their hands, and a rainy scene to help keep them company as their reminisce of the good old days.  

And me? 

I just watch as each raindrop falls on the ground, creating ripples on the puddles, filling up the potholes with water, hear the frogs croak, as the plants having had their bath; enjoy the lush green wash which covers the earth, almost as if the plants are having a ball, where all of them have worn their best dresses, in hopes of impressing the world and showing off to the human eyes, the real beauty of Mother Nature, with the birds chirping and the frogs croaking, almost as if telling us 'Listen up humans of the world, the most beautiful person is ready to come out in all it's holy glory.' Ahh Mother Nature. 

Oh and thunderstorms are the best. Some might be freaked out about these monstrous creatures, but I think their one of the most spectacular things a naked eye has ever perceived. 

The purple streak of Harry Potter's scar being displaced on the skies is truly a potter head fans dream. The electric blue streak highlighted or bordered with silvery purple, as a thunderous sound soon follows, against the grey scale of the heavenly skies accompanied with the smell of wet mud is truly one of the reasons I thank the gods to be alive. This feeling of sheer pleasure and happiness, of seeing everything in the truest form, without any mask, make up to cover in all it's imperfections. That, that is the reason, I love the rains.